“That’s
it! I’m done with this”, as I put my pen down.
It
was 2 o’clock in the afternoon. I stopped writing on my academic essay that was
needed to be handed in tomorrow. I still had 200 words to write but I had no
ideas what to continue on my writing. I went to lay down on bed and switched on
my phone. I scrolled my gallery looking at the pictures of the past few years.
Then, a picture of someone captured my eyes at that moment. I smiled but felt a
deep ache inside at the same time. The memories with her crawled into my mind,
getting flashbacks of her sweet smile and melodious voice when she sang her
favourite song. How can I not forget the most generous, skilful, patient and
possesses a magnificent sense of humour.
‘How are you,
mom? Have you been well up there?’
_________________________________________________________________
It
was on a hot Thursday afternoon. I was on my way from school. The weather had
surely made my body thirst for water and crave for something good to eat. Home
was not that far from school but the life I was living had made me not want to
go home. It was because of the hardships we were facing. I was always jealous of my friends. I was
jealous of the food they can afford to buy every recess while I had to starve
until I got home. Well, at home we had to eat the same meal every day. The
unripe papaya, yes that was always it. Mom would cook that for lunch and
dinner. If we were lucky enough, we would get to eat the fishes we caught at
the nearby river. Sometimes I got bored with the same meal but I can’t stand
looking at mom’s face. I was only 11 but I knew if I said my thoughts it would
truly hurt her. She had been dealing too much. She worked every night and day
just for the sake of her children. Most of the time, she had to do it all
alone. Every year, she would plant and harvest the paddy field all by herself.
I tried to help once but she stopped me, telling me that I would only mess it
up. How I wish dad was here but he was still studying his degree. He had to
finish his study in order for us to have a living. He was far in west Malaysia.
Due to that, he rarely comes home but when he’s here, it was the most exciting
moment ever. My elder and younger sisters, together with my mum, would gather
together, teased and made jokes of each other. Life was hard but what I thought
was, as long as we’re together, support and love each other, nothing could tear
us as a family.
However,
everything started to change in 2012. It was the year that I just got into
secondary school and it was an indescribably painful year. Mom was battling for
her survival. The year before she was diagnosed with breast cancer but I never
thought it would come out this way. She went for chemotherapy but it did not
even help cure her sickness. Things became worse. She was lying on the
hospital bed for a month. Seeing her condition and her struggle to fight had
turned my feelings into great sorrow. I was scared of losing her. I was
praying to God to never take her away from us.
“Ma,
please be strong Ma. Please don’t leave us yet.”
She
smiled at me, telling me it would all be fine.
“Don’t
skip school, okay?”, as she softly caressed my face and I nodded in reply.
After
some time, dad brought us back home because tomorrow was still a school day.
Right after school finished on
Wednesday, we immediately went to the hospital to visit mom. But I never knew
it was the day. We were walking in
the ward hallway and from afar I saw my aunts and uncles were crying. I was
able to guess nevertheless it felt like I was unable to accept it. Once I was
near mom’s bed, my aunt Nana instantly hugged and patted my back. I couldn’t
move. I felt numb. Hopeless. It was not because of aunt Nana’s tight grasp on
me but the moment seeing dad stumbled on the floor, I felt like my whole world
– was crashing down.
‘God, is this really it?’ I felt a sharp
pain in my chest.
I
freed myself from aunt Nana’s hug and went closer to mom. I looked at her, as I
held her hands tightly. She was cold.
“Why
did you go, Ma?” I talked as if she can hear what I was saying. I was unable to
control myself. I began to cry really hard. Looking at dad, Ailee and Leely, my
two sisters – I felt lost. A part of our happiness had been taken away.
_________________________________________________________________________________
“Oh my, I fell asleep.”, as I
quickly woke up. I took my phone and the screen showed 5.00 p.m. I realised
that I was crying from the dream I had. I rubbed my eyes and let out a long deep
breath. ‘I miss you, Ma. We all miss you’.
It had been years since mom had left
and along those years, I, myself, had been through a lot of disappointments of
my own family. Only, in the end, I was able to find out that they were broken
as well. Despite everything, we became closer and stronger now. We would always
visit mom annually especially on her birthday and Mothers’ Day.
I went back to my desk and took my pen. I
guess mom never left our side. I can always feel she’s near, comforting and reminding
us. ‘Why should I complain a lot?’.
Looking at all the sacrifices she had made for the sake of us had made me be
thankful for the present.
“I
promise to always give my best Ma. Thank you for showing me all the goodness in
life.”
